There is Too Much Shame

As I was texting my step daughter the other day, I sent her this:

Thank you auto-correct. Seriously, how did this happen? It’s not like I can take this back – it’s already out there! Let me explain a little. In my defense, I meant to write “Taylor Lautner is a really bad actor.” Yes, I’ve seen all the Twilight movies. Yes, I read all the books. If I tell you I did this all for research purposes, you’d forgive me, right?

Then I had this conversation with Carl:

Me: Hey, Kennedy, do you know where my phone is?

Carl: Right here where you left it.

Me: What are you doing?

Carl: Just seeing if you have anything cool to listen to on your…

Me: [in a panic] Ah, well, I’ve gotta make a really important phone call [tries to grab phone, body checks Carl, unsuccessfully].

Carl: Why do you keep running into me and then falling down? What the hell?

Me: [silent, looks up at the ceiling, slowly backs away]

Carl: Oh no you don’t [grabs my shirt]. Please explain to me why you have Mandy Moore, Britney Spears and this Glee version of a Justin Bieber song on your phone?

Me: Phbbbbbbtttttt. Our daughter downloaded those songs. As if. Give me some credit.

Carl: Right [not convinced].

This morning, I overheard the 7 yo tells his sister: “Mom’s like a talking pillow. Her belly’s really soft.”

And now I think I ‘ll put a paper bag over my head and never leave the house. Ever again.

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