Weapons of Mass Destruction

For the past week, I have been surrounded by 80-something-year olds, two sisters to be specific.

My mother-in-law’s sister came to visit us for the week and for eight days I:

  • rolled my eyes an infinite amount of times
  • apologized profusely for the people waiting behind us in line while it took us almost 20 minutes to order one cup of coffee and a muffin
  • ran to our room crying – old people don’t give a shit forget you have feelings
  • repeated myself too many times
  • repeated myself with a loud voice and then got yelled at for raising my voice at them
  • ate dinner at 5pm
  • seriously considered leaving them at the mall and never coming back for them
  • drank more than usual
  • smile and nodded my head and kept my mouth the fuck shut
I also heard curious things stream from their mouths like:
  • Oh shit! I think I just threw my teeth out in the garbage!
  • When did a sandwich start costing more than $2?
  • Trust me when I tell you this, I was on my hands and knees when I had that colonoscopy.
  • If only you could annunciate your words better, dear, then I could understand you.
  • I once skied down a mountain naked (this was said at the check-out line at the grocery store)
  • You don’t know what you’re talking about. Orientals are nice people – look at you.
  • I’m only going to eat bread and coffee at this restaurant – I don’t trust anything else.
  • In my day, there was no such thing as sushi.
  • I never take a nap (said after taking a two hour nap)
Sorry kids. When I start saying shit like “I’m taking this coffee mug from Denny’s because they owe me,” please bring me to the nearest JCPenney and leave me by one of the registers. Someone there will dress me in mismatched floral prints, color my hair blue and take me to the Chinese buffet for $5.99 during the Twilight Dinner Special.
NOTE: I love old people, especially these ones (yes, I mainly put this in for any relatives who accidentally come across this post, which I doubt will ever happen since most of them can’t read).
Image courtesy of blog.newancient.com via Kelly on Pinterest

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