I have been looking for you for ten years.
I didn’t think I needed you at first. I was a naive young woman in my late 20’s and thought I could do everything on my own. I was wrong.
Now with this baby, I’m finding I need someone like you. Your kindness, patience, ability to soothe a crying baby while I kick back
a martini (or two) and catch-up on my medical journal readings.
You can answer all the 7-year old’s questions like “What’s free form jazz?” “Is there something you drink to have a baby?” “Did Abraham Lincoln like Optimus Prime or was he more a Megatron fan?”
You can have cerebral conversations with the 9-year old: “Was Nikola Tesla on the verge of creating a time machine?” “Let’s plan a city!” “Does this milk smell funny to you?”
You can nod your head in agreement (with a smile!) anytime my mother-in-law says anything.
I don’t have much to give, but there’s a lot I’ll do for you.
I’ll let you eat the batter out of the bowl. You can have my fifth slice of pizza. I’ll give you all of my Sephora Beauty Insider points. You can even wear my fat pants if you want to.
I’ll sleep in for you so you can get breakfast for the kids. I’ll hide in my office all day and work while my mother-in-law and you watch truTV all day. Carl and I will go out to dinner often so you can have quality time with the kids. We’ll take you to Universal Studios Orlando and stand in the annoying lines for the Harry Potter rides while you relax with the baby in the comfort of the hotel room.
It’ll be great. I promise.
P.S. Must also clean all the stuff I don’t clean (everything), cook once in awhile (enough times during the week so we can throw away the take-out menus), do the laundry (you’ll never run out of clothes to fold), and run some errands (groceries, taking kids to school, taking mother-in-law where ever she wants – you’ll be visiting Family Dollar a lot), take my parents’ phone calls and pretend it’s me.
P.P.S. Start flirting with Carl and I’ll flying leg kick you in the crotch.
P.P.P.S. Start flirting with my mother-in-law and I’ll pay for your wedding and honeymoon.