Me: You know, someone left a comment the other day about our sex toy discussion. Carl: I thought you told me your mom doesn’t even know how to turn the computer on? Me: It wasn’t my mom, asshole. Carl: And what did they say? Me: Well, he said, ‘would he (meaning you) actually know a sex toy… Read More
Before Carl and I were married, before we had kids, we had Diesel. Beverly from Rottweiler Rescue of Los Angeles found him on the side of the road with his mother – skinny as hell, no hair on his ears from flies biting his skin – trying to avoid getting hit by speeding cars. On his… Read More
Carl: I can’t find the cotton swabs again. How is it that you go through so many in one month? Me: Ugghhhh. For the last time, I opened the damn cotton swab container and most of them fell in the toilet. Carl: Tell me again why you were opening them by the toilet? Me: Never… Read More
I don’t think Optimus Prime is to scale here.
Now if only I can convince him to wear a cape and a jumpsuit.
While everyone was having a total conniption over the new Time Magazine cover (go here because better at words than I am, Kelly is), I was coughing up my lungs. Bronchitis sucks. What’s even worse is the Prednisone I have to take which is making me gain weight. Carl says maybe it’s all the cookies and… Read More
LIFE LESSONS Me: Hey! You didn’t look both ways when you crossed the street and NOW, you’re paralyzed and horribly disfigured. 7-year-old: At least I can still use my arms! ENTREPRENEURSHIP Me: Wouldn’t it be great if there was a pharmaceutical version of Massage Envy? Carl: Like a PHARMACY? Me: Fuck you. RED CARPET Carl:… Read More
My neighborhood is full of health-conscious women who walk their dogs and jog with their don’t fuck with me – these Nike capris are brand new face on. I do my part in fitness by sucking in my gut while wearing one of Carl’s t-shirts. Also, the baby and I heckle them and eat cheese… Read More
Let me preface this by saying that I’m scared of my masseuse. She’s strong, people AND she’s Russian. I think she was in the Olympics or maybe in the KGB. Probably both. I’m pretty sure she carries a garrote and sickle on her person at all times. Massage – minute 1 Z: So is there anywhere… Read More
Dad: Hi. What are you doing? Me: About to watch Game of Thrones. You have five minutes. Aaaaand GO! Dad: What is this Game of Thrones? Me: SERIOUSLY, Dad? Dad: Well, I’m not up on these game shows these days. Me: It’s not a game show. It’s this show on HBO. It’s based on a… Read More